On Pizza Toppings

I don’t really understand the “everything on it”-type pizzas, or the people who order them.

A pizza is a sacred object. In its most pure and unadulterated form, it consists of the following: bread (crust), sauce, and cheese.

Anything else, and you have the potential to destroy it.

Now, I’m not saying I’m a cheese-only man (or extra-cheese-only, even). Every now and then I’ll have them throw on some sausage, pepperoni, or chicken… maybe even some broccoli if I’m in a weird mood. Olives can add an interesting taste.

But why, oh, why, would you want to put seven different toppings on it? At that point, the essence of the pizza is only a memory. How can you taste the sauce (arguably, the most important part of the pizza)? How can you taste the cheese? If you’ve piled too much on, the crust might not even be able to withstand the pressure, and collapse. Then what are you left with?

And what of the cacophony of topping flavors themselves? How can you tell them apart? They just blend into one mass of strange homogeneous taste. It’s not good, ladies and gentlemen. It’s not good.

So, I suggest you step back. First, go cold turkey. Spend some time ordering nothing but plain cheese. Try a few different pizzerias. The ones who can make a great-tasting plain pizza are the ones who really have talent.

Of course, it also helps to live in a place where pizza is, on average, good (i.e., not northern California). But that’s a rant for another day.